Mighty Putty: Ain't So Great

Okay. We have two floors of big windows that face the sidewalk and the city street. I like to have the blinds open because I like the light and I’m curious about what’s going on in the world. It’s been interesting watching people stroll by when the blinds are pulled open. They turn their heads and stare in the windows as they walk past. Or they make friends with the cat through the window. Some people trudge past with their heads down. But others do what I would do: They crane their necks until the last possible second to see what the inside of another person’s house looks like.

On the whole, this is grand. It allows us to watch others as much as they watch us. But I have some sheer white curtains from my last apartment that would filter the light and keep the looky-loos from peering into our place. Because sometimes one of us, either me, The Roommate or The Cat, wears funny pajamas (it’s not me or the cat.)

I bought a DIGNITET (curtain wire) from our favorite place and promptly procrastinated in installing it. While I liked the idea of clean, gauzy white curtains billowing in our windows, I didn’t relish the process of installation. You see, one side is drywall, which I am fine with. The other wall is, gulp, concrete. I had to figure out how to install the curtain wire base to the concrete.

Now, I’m fairly handy. I have a drill and tools and screws and stuff and junk. We’ve drilled a few holes and hung a few things in our place. No one has died or lost any important appendages. But I don’t know how to drill into concrete. I know you need drill bit for concrete and probably masonry screws. Or something. But there’s like, tapping when you drill? And do you use screws that are slightly larger than your pilot hole? And do you use an anchor, or no? And when we end our lease and need to take them down, is there concrete spackle?

So I procrastinated and fretted. And I also began to think about alternatives to drilling, because the more I thought about it, the more intimidating drilling became. And it wouldn’t be long before this household project became as frightening as skydiving or spelunking or whatever the kids are doing these days.

The answer to our prayers came from the patron saint of all good ideas: Billy Mays. I don’t have TV, but I have the internet. I saw this commercial and knew I could make peace with my concrete drilling phobia.

About a month ago, I casually floated the Mighty Putty idea to The Roommate. He was skeptical. He didn’t think it would work. Or worse, it would work too well and then we wouldn’t be able to remove the curtain wire. I mean, we are talking green to white action here. It’s science.

So like any member of the fairer sex, I used my inherent charms and wiles and magic to get my way: I nagged incessantly. “But it’s Mighty Putty! 350 pounds of pressure! They hauled a fricken trailer truck with the stuff! Fucking crafts, okay?”

At some point in the weeks of discussion and procrastination, I was at Walgreens unsupervised. They had Mighty Putty there. I inspected it. Looked legit. Billy Mays photo was right on it. I had to wait at Walgreens for 15 minutes while they processed my passport photo. So what else was there to do but stock up on Mighty Putty?

And by the way: Walgreens screwed up my photo and it was rejected when I went to renew my passport. So while I had actually combed my hair for the photo at Walgreens, I wasn’t prepared for the second photo I had to take on the fly at the post office. So I’m going to look like a troll on my passport. Fricken thanks, Walgreens!

I brought the Mighty Putty home. I still got resistance. But it suddenly felt urgent to get this done. I scoured our, eh-hem, tool drawer, to see if we had screws that might work with the concrete.

All we had was a mishmash of leftover hardware from other projects. And we certainly didn’t have the time to go the the hardware store and get the right materials and do it correctly. We only had time to do this half-assed. We were having a dinner later that night. We needed to cook and clean. It was the perfect time to work on long-procrastinated projects.

So our lack of proper materials gave me considerable edge for the Mighty Putty rationale. No proper screws! Friends coming for dinner in mere hours! Looky-loos looking at us! Mighty Putty IS OUR ONLY HOPE!

The Roommate was still hesitant. Finally, I promised that I would take full responsibility for removing the curtain wire whenever we leave this apartment, in whatever capacity that might mean. Maybe I won’t be able to produce more than 350 pounds of pressure. Maybe not even a trailer truck will get it off the wall. But my confidence was high enough that I was willing to take that risk.

We were also dealing with the no-text pictograph instructions from Ikea. That’s always good for a little dash of construction chaos. And I’m not so fond of heights, so I was psyched about standing on a swiveling bar stool to reach the top of the windows. But I wasn’t going to let any of this dampen my spirits. I got one side up using screws in the drywall. But for the other side, the concrete side…

Just like they say.

It’s like being on TV.

Green to white action! It was all coming together. The science, the magic, it was all happening. I used a footstool to climb and stand on the fireplace mantel. I applied this little nugget of The Mightiest of Putties to the backside of the wall mount. The concrete surface was already imperfect with bubbles so I figured it would be a good surface for maximum adherence. I pressed it to the wall and leaned on it hard, for like, ever.

The instructions said to give it an hour to cure. So we continued to clean and cook so that we could also squeeze a quick trip to The Firkin (NOT merkin! Look it up!) Festival. Why not? We had nothing but time on our hands. Dinner for friends in T-minus an hour and a half.

After an hour, and with the clock ticking, I hopped back up on the fireplace mantle and attached the wire to the wall mount now attached to the concrete. There was a two-way screw to tighten the wire. And after some turning, the wire became taut and level. It was beautiful.

It was better than I could have hoped. I was worried that the wire would sag in the middle. But it didn’t. It looked great. I got out my white gauzy curtains and hooks to hang them.

And as my back was turned, we heard a twang and a POP! The Mighty Putty! It had come unstuck!

Oh, betrayal! Billy Mays, how you led me astray! Indeed, we never needed to worry about the ease of removal.

At that point, we didn’t have the time to screw around any further. The curtain wire hangs dutifully from the drywall side. The Mighty Putty side hides on the floor behind the couch in shame. Shame!

The Roommate, ever patient and tactful, only smirked instead of saying I told you so. But we all know that smirking is sign language for “I told you so.”

And I shall trek to the hardware store this weekend for some damned masonry screws.

Comments: 7
Categories: Goddammit, Projects